The Effects of Recoil
by sleepingdreams
Summary: The missing scenes from Recoil
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Spoilers: Recoil

Ziva's eyes had lost their spark. Tony sat across the bullpen contemplating his partner. He knew she was hurting and it killed him to see the woman he loved in such pain. Having heard a conversation between Gibbs and Duckie, he could only imagine how fragile Ziva was at that moment, and Mossad officer Ziva David rarely did fragile. In fact, she rarely showed emotion, as was part of her training. To her emotions were unnecessary. However, she accepted them in other people as human nature. That had always puzzled Tony. He couldn't understand how it was possible for Ziva to hide her own emotions yet be Abby's comfort.

She never went home when Gibbs told her. Three days after her close call with Hoffman, she had only ventured outside of the naval yard twice, leaving for only short periods of time and returning to work. It was mid-Friday morning and Ziva looked as if she hadn't slept in days. Tony was sure she hadn't slept since killing Hoffman, but she rested her head in hands, seemingly scanning over paperwork.

"Ziva." Gibbs called from his desk. When there was no answer, he called her again. When there was no response, he walked to the front of her desk, lifting her head to look her in the eyes. "Ziver, go home. You are not to come into the office until Monday morning. That is an order. I do not want to see you here." Ziva glanced at his eyes and knew there was no room to argue. She slowly stood up, packing her stuff. Without a word to anyone, she walked to the elevators and was gone.

"Does she look deathly pale to you McGoo? I mean has anyone seen her eat anything since Hoffman?" Tony's eyes traveled to McGee, who looked at him and silently shook her head. Tony glanced at Gibbs, who looked worried. Gibbs was never worried; he always had a plan. Maybe this time was different. Tony decided to go check on her after work; he just had to make it through the day first.

He focused on his paperwork and rarely moved from his desk. His theory was if he buried himself in work, the day would fly by and he could go see Ziva. The only flaw in his plan was he couldn't concentrate on anything besides his missing partner. So the day pattered on unbelievably slowly and finally, Gibbs released Tony giving him explicit directions about how to take care of Ziva. Apparently, Gibbs had been developing a plan all day as well.

Tony grabbed his car keys and drove in a fashion that could have rivaled Gibbs to Ziva's apartment. Bounding up the stairs, he knocked on her door. There was no response, no noise. He called out to her front her hallway, but to no avail. Tony turned to see an elderly woman walking down the hall.

"Young man, are you looking for Ziva? She left about 5 hours ago. She looked like she was going to the gym, she did- running shoes and sweats and everything."

"Thank you, ma'am." Tony replied. He walked down the steps back to his car. "Great." He mumbled, pulling out his phone to dial Gibbs.

"Gibbs."

"She's not here."

"I know."

"You know? What? Where is she?"

"She ran to my house. Pack a small bag for her and come get her. She can stay with you this weekend."

"Boss, is that the best idea? Isn't your house 8 or 9 miles from here?"

"Something like that. Get the bag and get here now." And with that, Gibbs flipped his phone closed, effectively leaving Tony hanging on the other line.

He glanced over at his agent, who sat silently on the steps to his basement staring at the spot where she had shot her brother in cold blood. She was nursing a glass of bourbon and hadn't said a word since her arrival.

"Ziver," Gibbs spoke, crouching in front of (what he considered to be) his daughter, "is that only about Hoffman? Does it have anything to do with Ari?" His hand landed on her knee in a comforting gesture, but Ziva flinched away, answering Gibbs' question. He moved to sit next to her on the step, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. He placed a gentle kiss on forehead and said, "Family isn't always blood-related. It's where you feel happy and safe. Family is about accepting help not because you want it but because those who care about you feel the need to help you. Ziver, you are always the strong one, and we love you for that, but showing your emotions won't make us love you any less. We are family- we aren't going anywhere." Hearing his confirmation, Ziva buried her head in the crook of his neck as the tears started cascading down her cheeks. He carefully removed the glass from her hands and pulled her to him in a tight hug. Lifting her bridal style, he carried her upstairs, settling on the couch with her in his lap. She grabbed his shirt as she broke down, needing to feel the personal connection. He rubbed soothingly circles on her back, softly encouraging her to continue her mental breakdown.

Tony walked slowly into the front hall. He stopped when he heard sobbing. It was a foreign sound to him in Gibbs' house, but he instinctively knew it was Ziva. His heart broke when he saw her, curled in a ball on Gibbs' lap bawling into his shoulder. He made a move to sit next to Gibbs on the couch, and the elder man passed the crying Ziva to Tony. She registered she was in the arms of her partner and gripped his shirt into her palms, continuing to cry for those she had killed, for the ones she had lost, and for all that she loved. After awhile, Tony felt her grip loosen and glanced down to see she had cried herself to sleep. He resituated her and placed her on the couch, covering her with a blanket. Exiting as quietly as possible, he walked down the stairs to the boat, where he knew Gibbs would be working.

He sat on the steps watching Gibbs' methodical movements, calmed by the patterns. "I love her, Boss." He said surprisingly himself at his confession.

"I know. I've always known. Hurt her and you are a dead man."

"I won't. Do you think she loves me?"

"Ask her. Tell her how you feel. She has something to tell you, but if you let your anger get the best of you, you will lose her forever."

"So she's not just upset about Hoffman?"  
"It's about him, and it's about another. Let's just say: Hoffman was extremely bad timing."

Tony nodded and headed back upstairs, curious to Ziva's secret. As he passed the kitchen he poured to cups of coffee and was surprised to see Ziva cradling a picture frame. He recognized two faces in the photo: one was Ziva's young face and the other was a younger looking Ari. Tony was shocked and confused. Ziva looked up at him, begging him to listen before he got the wrong idea.

"I never realized how much you looked alike. What is he to you!" He shouted rage laced in his voice.

"Tony, please, just listen. It's not what you think."

He turned on his heels and stormed out to his car, where he paced and let his thoughts run. Ziva immediately burst into tears. She couldn't lose him today of all days. She couldn't lose the man she loved.

Gibbs, hearing the front door slam, ran up the stairs expecting the worst. He saw Ziva sitting in the middle of the couch wrapped in a blanket, tears streaming down her face as she stared at the picture from her childhood. She hurled it across the room and the glass shattered against the wall. She stood up and walked towards the glass; Gibbs stepped in front of her grabbing her shoulders.

"Ziva, breathe."  
"Let go!" she screamed at the top of her lungs as she started hitting Gibbs over and over again. He expected this; it was the lack of force that took him by surprise. As she finally stopped flailing, Gibbs looked down to see tears shining in her eyes.

"I am sorry." She said as she fainted in his arms.

"SHIT!" Gibbs yelled as he cradled her against his chest, grabbing his car keys.

"Dinozzo, what did I tell you?" Gibbs yelled as he ran down the lawn toward his car.

"Wait, Ziva. What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know, but if she's not okay, I'm blaming your ass. So for your sake, you better hope she's fine." Gibbs slid Ziva into the back seat, strapping her in. He sped off leaving Tony standing in front of his house.

5 hours later, Ziva had been admitted to the ER with dehydration, malnutrition, and sleep deprivation. Gibbs sat dutifully by her side, holding her hand in his larger, calloused one, waiting for her to wake up. The nurses had run multiple IVs and expected her to wake up within the hour. Gibbs pulled his phone out to see 5 missed calls from Tony and 9 from Abby.

"Going to kill him," Gibbs muttered as he called Abby.

"GIBBS!! IS SHE OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED? DO I NEED TO KILL TONY? HE'S SORRY BUT I WILL STILL KILL HIM. WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Abs, calm down. Ziva is fine. Is Dinozzo with you?"  
"Yes, he said he didn't know where to go because you sped off so fast. He told me what happened but I think he's leaving major information out. What happened to Ziva?"

"She's had a rough week and Tony's attitude didn't help much. You are welcome to kill him. I'm planning on it. We are at Bethesda. You can come. Tony may not."

"I'll be there in 10." Abs said as she was on her way out of the door, leaving Tony standing in the middle of her living room.

Ziva was groggy, but awake when Abby showed up. She even cracked a smile when Gibbs reminded Abby to be gentle and not attack Ziva with questions or hugs. Abby rambled on and on from the side of Ziva's bed. Gibbs stood in the corner watching his girls interact, happy that they were both acting like themselves despite the events of the past days.

"Am I allowed to ask what happened or is happening?" Abby questioned softly, not wanting to upset Ziva.

Ziva took a deep breath and closed her eyes. After a few seconds of silence, Abby thought she had said the wrong thing until Ziva spoke up and started her tale, including everything from Hoffman and her lost trust in her instinct to letting her physical health fall by the way side. Abby listened patiently but could tell her best friend was leaving something out.

Ziva finished her explanation and waited for Abby to say something.

"There's more Ziva. Your eyes give you away every time."

With another deep breath, Ziva started on the happenings of Ari and his death, praying that Abby wouldn't react like Tony. She couldn't lose her best friend and the man she loved in the same day. "Promise you will let me finish before you react?"

"Pinky promise." Abby said with a smile offering her pinky to the other woman.

"Okay then." Ten minutes later, Ziva had finished spilling her heart to the Goth. Abby sat relatively confused.

"But the report said Gibbs killed him. But you killed him. But he was your brother." Abby's confusion led to short fragmented thoughts as she tried to put together the information she just received. "Oh, Ziva. I'm sorry," she whispered as she leaned over to hug her. "You've kept it a secret for that long? What bad timing. I'm so sorry." Ziva was relieved to get the secret out in the open but also because Abby had reacted in a way that a best friend should; she reacted the way Ziva wished Tony had acted. But of course, that was not the case.

"You tried to tell Tony?" Abby questioned.

"He did not give me a chance. He saw me holding a picture from my childhood in Israel. He recognized Ari from the photo and immediately became angry. I do not know what happened after he slammed the door. I only wish he would understand." Ziva replied as she stared at her hands. Avoiding any further discussion about the topic, Ziva turned her focus to Gibbs. "When can I leave?"

"Tomorrow morning" came his curt response. "You're staying here tonight. I'll stay with you. Abs, could you swing by Ziva's apartment and grab a bag of clothes? I told Dinozzo to, but God only knows where that boy has run off to?"

With a nod and a hug to Ziva, Abby was out the door, her five-inch black platforms clicking along the hospital hallway.

"You do not have to stay with me Gibbs. I will be fine on my own."  
"You know, with you, I'm learning that fine actually means the farthest thing from fine."

"Gibbs, I am fine. It has been a rough week, no easy wind."

"Breeze, Zi. Not wind, breeze." Tony muttered from the doorway, forgetting he wasn't the most wanted person in the hospital room. "Never mind. That wasn't what I came here to say. Zi, I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions and Gibbs I know you want to kill me, but can it wait about 2 minutes?"

Gibbs just glared at him while Ziva refused to look at him.

"Ziva, please look at me. I'm sorry I called you crazy. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I overreacted. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. I've been thinking of other ways to tell you I'm sorry and the only thing I can come up with is that I love you, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I hurt you." Tony continued to ramble; never stopping to take a breath in fear that Gibbs would cut him off before he got his point across.

Gibbs noticed Ziva's hand start shaking and made a move to push Tony out of the room. He was stopped however by Ziva's similarly shaking voice. "It is okay. He will not hurt me physically, yes? I am fine. Gibbs please give us a moment alone." Gibbs shot a glance her way before glaring at Tony as he walked out the door.

"I would never hurt you, Ziva. I don't think it's possible." Tony said.

"You are wrong. It is possible. You did hurt me. I was vulnerable. I trusted you. You broke through my goddamn wall. I was not supposed to fall in love with you. That was not part of the plan." Tony stood in shock as Ziva continued to rant and ramble. Soon her rant turned from English to Hebrew, and he couldn't tell exactly what she was saying. It only solidified the one thing he knew; he had royally fucked things up.


	2. Chapter 2

Effects of Recoil (con.)

Disclaimer: still own nothing

Ziva turned away from Tony after she confessed how hurt she really was. Tony looked at the fragile form in the bed and shook his head, silently wiping away tears. He sat by her bedside and placed his head in his hands. He waited until he thought she was asleep.

"Ziva, how can I fix this?" He asked more to himself than anyone. "What have I done? You are everything. You make my world spin. All I ever wanted was to love you. I want you, all of you, but you are so far away. I don't know how to bring you back to me. I don't know how to fix the mess I made. I just want you to trust me again. I want you to know how much you mean to me but I can't seem to explain it in a way that makes sense. God, what have I done?" Tony had tears in his eyes after realizing he had probably lost the one thing in the world that he cared about most.

Ziva closed her eyes, blinking back tears, and rolled onto her side, facing Tony. She reached out and put a hand over his.

"I do love you. I always have." Ziva whispered, causing Tony's head to whip up shocked that she was awake and heard the entirety of his confession. He mumbled something incoherent and paused trying to find something to say.

"Tell me what happened, please."

"Tony, it is not a big deal. You are here. I…" she trailed off silently, afraid to voice her fear, not wanting to be vulnerable.

"Please, Zi. I overreacted. Please tell me. I am not going anywhere."

"Okay." She resigned, took a deep breath, and embarked on her tale. By the end, she could barely keep her emotions in check, but since she was unaware of how Tony would react, she kept them contained.

"Zi, it's okay to cry. I'm right here. I'll catch you. I'm not going anywhere." Ziva merely nodded, not sure whether to trust her partner or her training. Tony continued, "Baby, I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I overreacted earlier. I had absolutely no reason to be mad. I hope you can trust me again or at least forgive me." Taking her hand inside his, he kissed the back of her hand and held on, hoping to give her some reassurance of his presence. "You don't always have to be the strong one. I know that's who you are and I wouldn't change that for the world, but everyone breaks at some point. I just want you to know I'm here when you fall. I promise I'll pick up the pieces." He brushed a piece of hair from out of her face and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

With his warm, large hands holding her smaller ones, she closed her eyes and prayed herself to sleep, comfortable with his touch.


End file.
